The "legendary" Carnac the Magnificent skit

Presented at the Southington Rotary Club's annual installation dinner on June 9, 2000 with John Kennedy as Johnny Carson's Carnac and Bill Taylor as Ed McMahon.  It was a noble effort, but it was legendary in how badly it came off.  Trust us, you had to be there.

 

1.  ANSWER.  Cyclone

QUESTION.  What do you get when you clone a guy named Cy?

  

2. ANSWER.  Skalliwags.

QUESTION.  What does Tom McKnerney’s skalli do when it’s happy?

3.          ANSWER:  A, B, C, D, E, F, G

 Question:  Dr. Blumer, can you tell us some of the earlier versions of Preparation H?

4.  ANSWER.  John Karcz

QUESTION.  What will you find impounded at police headquarters the day after a crackdown on prostitution?

5.  ANSWER.  Bible belt.

QUESTION.  What holds up Dave Stroshal’s trousers?

6.         ANSWER.  The plane, boss!...The plane!!

 QUESTION.  What did Richard Corcoran exclaim when Trish Walden asked which kind of M&M’s he wanted.

  

7.  ANSWER.  The gas chamber

 QUESTION.  Describe Pauline Levesque’s office after a hearty Rotary lunch of franks and beans.

 8.  ANSWER.  John Ryan, John Mullett, John Kennedy

            QUESTION.  Name a surly, a curly, and a “shirley”

9.  ANSWER.  Murder, she wrote.

 QUESTION.  Leslie, some thoughts about how to reward Rod Greaves for the job he did this year as President of the Rotary Club?

10.  ANSWER.  Bob Morton, Nanci Jaros and George Costanzo

QUESTION.  Name a lender, a sender and a bender

11.           ANSWER.  Hell if I know

 QUESTION.  What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous?            (Elephino)

12.  ANSWER.  Easter, Navy, and Olmstead

 QUESTION.  Name three seals (Ceil).

13.  ANSWER.  There will be hell toupee!!

 QUESTION.  What will happen if Satan ever loses his hair?

14.  ANSWER.  Rosy red cheeks

 QUESTION.  Ms. Walstrom, what do you feel was the your biggest benefit from our recent fireside chat?

15.           ANSWER:  The BIG ten

 QUESTION. What might you call the five finalists in the Miss Rotary Contest?

16.           Answer:  911

 Question:  How do you call for room service at the Parsons/Greaves luxury hotel in beautiful downtown New Britain?

17.           Answer:  Dave Stroshal, Vicki Triano and Steve Parsons

 Question:  Name three parsons

18.           Answer:  Nice Rack!

 Question:  Name a common response to the opening of a bridal shower gift.

19.           Answer:  Numbers are my friends.

 Question:  What was Treasurer Dolores Fanelli’s final dazed, pre-impeachment uttering to the IRS.

20.           Answer:  New Tower of Babel

 Question:  What are the naysayers calling the Florian/Coccuzza Renaissance skyscraper planned for downtown Southington.

Rejected answers

• He who lives in a glass house should not invite he who is without sin for dinner. 
• Today is the last day of your life – so far. 
• Contrary to popular opinion, there’s nothing wrong with sex on TV – as long as you don’t fall off. 
• Red meat is bad for you.  Fuzzy green meat is even worse!

“Glib” Carnac Responses

1.        May the bird of paradise fly up your sister’s hoop skirt.

2.        May the sands of time nestle into your Chicken Francais.

3.    May you be forced to visit a near-sighted proctologist.

4.    May a diseased yak squat in your hot tub.

5.    May Shaquille O’Neill slam-dunk your favorite cat.

6.    May a weird holy man drop a cactus down your shorts.